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Achmed Saves America Review
After the intro, we see Bob wearing an "Uncle Sam" hat and a navy blue shirt with white stars under his traditional coat. Bob: '*tips his hat* Hello, everybody, and Happy Independence Day. Today, I'm gonna celebrate my proud American heritage and exercise my right to free speech with an opinion which, sadly, isn't too popular among internet reviewers like myself: I'm a fan of Jeff Dunham. ''We cut to various clips of Jeff Dunham's acts/productions, and even a couple shots of his recreation of the 1989 Batmobile. 'Bob: '*voiceover* No, I'm not gonna apologize for saying that. The guy's hilarious. I've seen all his stand-ups, I follow him on YouTube, I didn't see all of his spin-off show on Comedy Central, but what I did see, I liked that, too. And, come on, anyone who has a street-legal Batmobile demands respect. Today, we're going to talk about one of his most popular and most controversial characters: Achmed the Dead Terrorist. The joke revolving around him is that he's a suicide bomber, who accidentally blows himself up before he has a chance to take any innocent lives with him. 'Bob: '''And, if you're like me, then you might be wondering how a bloodthirsty jihadist like Achmed would end up with someone as harmless and pro-American as Jeff Dunham. Well, the answer to that question might just be held in Achmed's very first movie, "Achmed Saves America". ''We cut to the movie itself, as a rocking rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" plays. Then, we see a live clip of Jeff Dunham with the aforementioned Achmed the Dead Terrorist. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Our movie opens with Jeff and Achmed introducing themselves to the audience. 'Jeff Dunham: '''I have a question for you, Achmed. '''Achmed the Dead Terrorist: '''I am all ears, without actual ears. '''Jeff Dunham: '''All right. Who's your favorite cartoon character? '''Achmed: '''Is this a trick question? '''Jeff Dunham: '''No, seriously, who is it? '''Achmed: '...Tigger. 'Jeff Dunham: '''Tigger, as in "Winnie the Pooh"? '''Achmed: '''Yes, and Eeyore! He was so sad. '''Bob: '''If you don't love Achmed after he confesses that he likes Tigger, then... I'm sorry, but you have no soul. *voiceover* Achmed wishes that he could be an animated character just like Tigger... '''Bob: '*snickers* I'm sorry, that's just too cute. *voiceover*...When a fairy named Tinker-Bubba (played by another of Jeff's puppets, Bubba J) shows up to grant his wish. Not sure why Dunham used Bubba J to turn him animated, but whatever. We transition from Jeff's office to an animated desert. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Now that he's animated, the movie really begins in "Mizpakmanistan", where we meet Achmed the "Still Alive" Terrorist, as he begins what is probably going to be another failed attempt to kill the infidel. 'Achmed the Still Alive Terrorist: '*riding a motor scooter, menacingly* I will kill you. Just then, Achmed's cell phone rings, and he looks at the caller ID to see it was his boss, Hassan, who was calling him. 'Achmed (Still Alive): '*groans* Not a phone call while I'm riding... He crashes into a radar pole, disguised as a tree, and answers his phone as soon as he gets back up. 'Achmed (Still Alive): '''Yes, yes, what, what?! '''Hassan: '''Achmed, why are you still alive? '''Achmed (Still Alive): '''Nice talking to you, too. '''Hassan: ' You've worked for us for three years, and you still haven't killed "Infidel One"! I swear, you are the worst terrorist in the whole non-Muslim world. 'Achmed (Still Alive): '''I am not! As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that. '''Bob: '*chuckles* OK, that is brilliant. The guy's obviously a Muslim, but you can't actually call him that since somebody watching this movie is gonna accuse it of either saying that all Muslims are terrorists, or all terrorists are Muslims, or something like that. So, what do they do? They simply just call him a non-Muslim. What religious faction does he belong to? Non-Muslim. That's all you need to know. OK? *nods his head, voiceover* He accidentally sets the bomb off, which reduces him to his iconic skeletal form that we all know and love. OK, a little red flag going up here; I thought the explosion that killed him was the result of him answering his cell phone while he was refueling his scooter. What's going on here? He gets picked up by a giant American bald eagle, (Oh, irony!) then he hitches a ride on a passing airplane which, of course, takes him to America. The plane flies into the sun and the movie's opening credits appear on the screen. 'Bob: '*voiceover* We see the opening credits go by, where it's revealed it was not Jeff Dunham who actually wrote this movie. 'Bob: '''Could he not have simply ''asked Jeff Dunham how Achmed was supposed to die? *voiceover* He lands in a little town called "Americaville", which shares a border with Subtle Acres, but then he gets hit by... Seth MacFarlane's next TV show? A family consisting of a brunette-haired man wearing a turquoise dress shirt with a salmon colored tie and white pants, a red-haired woman wearing a green shirt and blue jeans, a black-haired boy wearing a red shirt with a horizontal white stripe around the middle and the same pants as his mother, and a blonde-haired girl wearing a hot pink dress and black pants, all exit the car and discover Achmed. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Who are these people? Shouldn't it be Jeff who finds Achmed and introduces him to America? Why does Achmed look decently animated, but these guys like a "GoAnimate!" cartoon? A brief clip of Harry Partridge's video, "Go Animate! An Animation Revolution", is seen. Then, a small, orange dog charges at Achmed, and begins licking him all over and chewing his foot. 'Achmed: '*screams* What devil is this?! 'Ginny Wilson: '''Bill, no! *rushes over to Achmed* '''Achmed: '''Bill, seriously? '''Bob: '...Bill? *beat* The dog... in a Jeff Dunham property... is named Bill? Bill, who was supposed to be Jeff Dunham's golden retriever? *holds his head in embarrassment* Oh, my god... This writer's just plugging in random buzz-words from Jeff Dunham's life, completely out of context! You might as well just name the dog "Rabbit Poo Mountain"! *voiceover* Anyway, this collection of non-descript, interchangeable nobodies, named the Wilsons, mistake Achmed for a French foreign exchange student, who they were supposed to pick up at the airport. 'Wayne Wilson: '''By any chance, are you Claude? '''Achmed: '''Of course, I am clawed (Claude)! I'm clawed, scratched, beaten, licked, and humped! But, mostly, I am clawed. '''Wayne: '''So... you're saying you're Claude? '''Achmed: '''Yes, you stupid American infidel! '''Bob: '*voiceover* And, what did happen to Claude? The real Claude, meanwhile, is still waiting at the airport to be picked up, when a van drives over a mud puddle and splashes him with it. 'Bob: '''How did they miss ''that? *voiceover* They take Achmed to get a nice, hot meal, which he has a hard time keeping down. Achmed tries to eat a meatball, but since he has no internal organs, it literally goes right through him. 'Old Lady: '''I have the same problem. '''Bob: '*sarcastic* Oh, goody! Eight minutes in, and we get our first poop joke! *normal* Was looking like "Family Guy" simply not enough for you, you had to stoop down to their level of comedy, too? *voiceover* Then, they take Achmed to their perfect little home in the suburbs. 'Wayne: '*drawing on a piece of paper with a red marker* I just work on the assembly line now, but my dream is to design the cars, like this. *shows Achmed his drawing of a car* 'Bob: '*voiceover* My god, this animation is bland! Seriously, how did they make these people look less life-like than the skeleton, who's based on a lifeless puppet? Are they trying to make them look this bad? 'Wayne: '''Be right back. ''He runs upstairs with his wife, giving Achmed time to write in his journal. 'Achmed: '''So, now that I am deep in the bowels of the enemy, I will make it my mission to explode out a reeky, steaming vengeance! '''Bob: '...Really? Another poop joke two minutes after the first one? *beat* OK! He points his finger, and a counter of how many poop jokes this movie has made comes up. So far, it's come to 2. 'Bob: '*voiceover* The Wilsons announce that their town is throwing its 100th birthday celebration, which gives Achmed something to blow up. Later that night, we see him putting together the finishing touches on a new bomb, when little Kevin Wilson decides to bond with him for a while. 'Kevin Wilson: '''My dad thinks I should be playing football, but I don't wanna do that! I'm good at other stuff, ''secret stuff I've never even told my parents about. '''Achmed: '''You wish to lie with another boy of your gender? '''Kevin: No! I want to be... a ventriloquist. Bob: 'Oh, so you want to play with dolls for a living. My mistake. '''Kevin: '''I've been practicing with my new dummy. ''He takes out a ventriloquist doll that has black hair styled into a pompadour, wearing a purple sweater and blue jeans. 'Kevin: '*humming a fanfare* Little Jeff! *speaking with barely moving his lips* Hiya, Claude! 'Bob: '''Uh, no, that's not Little Jeff. ''Bob takes out his replica of Jeff's titular puppet, which is a cartoony version of himself. '''Bob: This is Little Jeff. Also known as... Little Jeff: 'The loser. '''Bob: '*voiceover* Kevin leaves after Achmed smacks Little Jeff with a shoe... 'Achmed: '...Which is the worst thing you could do to someone in my country for some reason that no one has ever explained to anyone! 'Bob: '*voiceover* Then, Kevin's sister, Cassidy, sneaks in through Achmed's window after her date with her boyfriend went wrong. 'Cassidy Wilson: '''Please don't tell Mom and Dad. '''Achmed: '''The place where my lips once were is sealed. '''Cassidy: '''They never liked him, anyway. They think I have, like, bad taste in guys. '''Achmed: '''You? No. Don't be so hard on your- ''Before Achmed can finish his sentence, Cassidy kisses him on, as he said, "the place where his lips once were". 'Cassidy: '''Wow... I... felt something just now. '''Bob: '''Oh, isn't that wonderful? So far, in this show, we have seen... ''Clips from "Foodfight!", "Bailey's Billion$", and "The Magic Riddle" are seen, respectively. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Bestiality, underage innuendo, phallic props and costume pieces... 'Bob: '''And now, we can add necrophilia to the list. *spreads his arms out wide* Must be a Bobsheaux! ''A "Ta-da!" sound is heard as text reading "Must be a Bobsheaux!" is displayed below. 'Bob: '*voiceover* After that bit of "What the hell?", we cut to the next day where the Americaville birthday celebration is in full swing. Achmed, suddenly, brings in his own party favor, and... Bob looks at the background and spots two very familiar faces; them being Melvin the Superhero and Sweet Daddy D, two other characters of Jeff Dunham. 'Bob: '*voiceover* ...Wait a minute, is that... Melvin? Melvin the Superhero is in this movie? Cut to a brief moment from Melvin's first appearance, "Spark of Insanity". 'Melvin the Superhero: '*singing* Da-da-da-daaaaaa. 'Bob: '*voiceover* And, I think that's Sweet Daddy D behind him. OK, so the other dummies are in this movie, too, but they're just pushed into the background? What was the point of that? Why is this movie revolving around these blank slates when you've got Jeff Dunham's entire entourage at your disposal? '''Chet Anderson: '''Hey, Ginny, nice shindig. A little low-key if you ask me. I mean, where's the eagle? Nut'n' says kick-ass like a flag with wings that go "Ameri-'''caw!" Mrs. Anderson: '''Ameri-caw! '''Chet: '''Ameri-'''caw! Mrs. Anderson: '''Ameri-caw! '''Chet: '''Ameri-'''caw! Bob: '''Oh, my god... It's morons like this that make flag-waving a faux pas. And, if this movie has to have a dumb redneck character in it, why couldn't it be Bubba J? '''Carl Zimmer: '''We need to set an example, Chet. *shakes Achmed's hand* Carl Zimmer. We're not all teabagging wingnuts like this guy, Claude. '''Chet: '''Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hatin', Al-kissin', gunless lesbians like this guy! Ameri-'''caw! Achmed: '''Please! Can't you two get along? Very soon, none of this will matter. '''Bob: You know, that is very true. We're only on this earth for a short period of time, so why shouldn't we try to just make it as pleasant as possible, and... at least try to get along? That suicide bomber is a saint! *salutes, voiceover* Achmed sets up the bomb to explode, but has a change of heart when the entire town welcomes him with open arms. Mayor McKuen: 'America is a nation of foreigners, and you're our first legal one. '''Bob: *'beat* No, he isn't. The entire crowd cheers for Achmed after he receives a plaque. '''Achmed: '''I love this country... '''Life to America! Bob: '*voiceover* OK, not to say that these people ''shouldn't be welcoming to someone coming for a visit, but what did Achmed do to receive this kind of adulation? Their reaction to seeing him should be more like, "Oh, look at that. A new exchange student from France is visiting us. Isn't that something?" It feels like we're missing some second act where Achmed has a chance to interact with the town, and then they fall in love with him, and want to throw him a celebration. 'Achmed: '''You are the best infidels ever! Where I am from, ''no one is nice! They stay in their caves, knee-deep in camel poop... The "Poop Jokes" counter goes up to 3. 'Achmed: '...covering their wives, so they look like Pac-Man ghosts. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Achmed manages to stop his bomb from going off, but he accidentally sets off the fireworks, which results in an equally massive explosion... which was less deadly, somehow. Weird. 'News Reporter: '''I am in Americaville General Hospital, where an entire town is holding a vigil for someone they just met this morning. '''Bob: '''You see? I'm not the only one who thinks it's stupid! *voiceover* However, being hospitalized isn't enough to keep Achmed from expressing his newfound patriotism, and he marches in the Centennial parade. '''Achmed: '*singing* When I was merely four years old, there was nothing I thought greater than to turn this nation you call home into a giant, smoking crater But, like Miley Cyrus and her bong, or Brett Favre texting all night long, or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along... 'Mitt Romney: '*singing off-key* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care... 'Achmed: '*singing* I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong! I was wrong (I see no drone.) Yes, I was wrong! (Obamaphone!) (don't know the words) I wrote this song (something something something) Wilson, Berg, or Chong I must admit, I am a twit and I was wrong! Oh, I'll miss my friend, the sniper and my flea-infested cave I'll sort of miss my second chance to have an early grave But, even though you're filled with sin, like blindside, you all took me in a foreigner who has no skin... A girl with red hair strokes Achmed on the head after he takes his hat off, leading to her getting into a tussle with Cassidy. '''Cassidy: '''Get away from him, he's '''MINE! Achmed: '*singing* I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong! '''Bob: '*voiceover* Thus, Achmed learned of and quickly fell in love with the American way of life. The Wilsons decided to let him stay with them, for Achmed had no other place he would rather call his home. And so, as Achmed the Dead Terrorist observed, god bless America, everyone. The movie fades to black, making it seem like it's already over, but then we cut back to the town square, where a celebration revolving around Achmed is taking place. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Wait, what? Why is the movie still going? We already saw him learn to love America and America loves him right back, so shouldn't this be over? Why are seeing Achmed continue to show off how much he loves America, when we literally saw him doing so only three minutes ago? Apparently, Achmed wants to show off how much he loves America by using his skills in explosives to create a new Mt. Rushmore featuring Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, and Lance Armstrong. 'Bob: '''I thought Achmed was supposed to be terrible at explosions. How did he pull this off? *voiceover* But not everybody is happy with Achmed's gift. '''Voice: '*off-screen* Hello, Achmed... Suddenly, Hassan appears right behind Achmed, causing his tailbone to fall off. '''Achmed: Holy crap. The "Poop Jokes" counter goes up to 4. ''''Bob: *voiceover* He tells them that Achmed is actually a terrorist, about which everyone is shocked. Is anyone else wondering how the hell this guy made it past airport security? They all turn on him just as quickly as they welcomed him into their midst. Might as well, makes about as much sense as everything else in this movie. Achmed makes a break for it after the FBI shows up, then hides behind this guy (a leaf blower) as a human shield. Achmed: *holding the tube to the man's face* Anybody makes a move, and I blow him! Achmed's threat caused everybody and everything in the town square to stop in their tracks. Achmed: ''With the leaf blower! I can't believe you all went there! I'm so disappointed. '''Bob: '''Is that where they went? I thought they all froze because they were concerned for his safety. *voiceover* He uses the leaf blower to fly away, because of course that's how leaf blowers work, then his boss, Hassan, takes him into hiding. '''News Reporter:' *off-screen* It's day five of "America Made to Look Stupid". The same news reporter from earlier enters the scene. News Reporter: The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation that they've been harboring the known terrorist, Achmed, who lived among them in disguise. Bob: Known terrorist? How known can he be if he's the worst terrorist ever? *voiceover* They take refuge in Mexico, where Achmed sees the Wilsons being taken to Guantanamo Bay. Ginny: *speaking through a news microphone* Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, if you can hear me- Achmed: I can! Ginny: 'We know you're really a nice boy, and... we hope you're OK. Then, Walter appears on-screen for a few seconds.'' '''Walter: B*tch! *beat* What? Bob: '*ala Tommy Wiseau, waving* Oh hi, pointless, three-second cameo of someone who deserved a lot more screen time. How is your sex life? ''Cut to a clip of the same character from "Spark of Insanity". '''Walter: '''Impotence is God's way of helping a man like me to just say no. '''Bob: *voiceover* Speaking of pointless cameos, There's Jose Jalapeño on a steek (stick) as the Mexican TV announcer randomly shouts... Mexican TV Announcer: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! Four Latina women and a midget, who is dressed like a baby while holding Jose Jalapeñ''o, start dancing around on-screen.'' Bob: *perplexed* Don't look at me, I'm just as confused as you are! *voiceover* Achmed convinces Hassan to help him get back to America to save the Wilsons by promising him the opportunities and have whatever his heart desires... at Home Bound Buffet. All the limitless possibilities of the American dream being represented by a limitless buffet? Got to hand it to you, movie, that's pretty funny. Sadly, they have no way of getting back to America, since the tunnel they came through is locked, for some reason, so they do what Americans do in times of crisis: pray. Hassan: 'But we pray all the time, like 38 times a day. '''Achmed: '''No, no, we have to pray like Americans. ''Achmed gets on his knees and folds his hands, with Hassan doing the same. '''Hassan: How is that? Achmed: They ask for things. Hassan: What do we pray for? Achmed: A miracle. Bob: 'I could point out how Muslims ''also ''ask for things when they pray, but you gotta remember, these guys are non-Muslims. Right? ''He gives an assured glance at the camera and nods. 'Bob: '*voiceover* So they pray for a moment, when their prayers are answered in the form of a giant eagle who got lost on its way to Mordor. '''Hassan: It's a miracle! Achmed: Yes, bald eagle! Mighty American symbol, who was the second-place choice after a turkey! Bob: *chuckles again* OK, that is funny. Why? Because it's true. For a while, our national bird was going to be the turkey. This movie wants to make a whole bunch of jokes that are social commentary, but for the most part, it's just been making crap up. If it wants to make those kind of jokes, then they need to be based on something real. *voiceover* The eagle takes them back to Americaville, that sure is convenient, and they eventually find themselves in a junkyard. But Achmed is struck by divine inspiration, and he knows exactly how he can catch up to the Wilsons before they're imprisoned. Meanwhile, the Wilsons are being followed by Left-Wing Larry and Right-Wing Randy here. If this guy's (Left-Wing Larry) driving a Prius, couldn't they have at least made it a powder blue Prius like Dunham has? Chet: *tuning the radio* Hey, what song should I play now? How about "America, F Yeah" from that Team America movie? Mrs. Anderson: That song is ironic, Chet. Chet: It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke! Bob: Wow. This is the most legitimate and sincere movie I've ever seen in my life. *voiceover* Things seem hopeless for the Wilsons, when all of a sudden... The wilsons s''ee an orange, retro-style roadster from where they sit, speeding down the road with a hood ornament covering the engine, which resembles Achmed's own head and is spewing flames out both sides of the mouth.'' Achmed: Greetings, infidels! Ginny: '''It's Claude! '''Achmed: My name is Achmed! Bob: Oh, yeah. They took the dad's car design that they established earlier and they turned it into a plot device that ended up saving the day. This movie finally did something cinematically correct! *voiceover* Achmed stops them and gives a big, heartfelt speech about how he ''should be going to prison and the Wilsons are decent people, but the soldiers are getting ready to take him down. What were these guys doing out here ''before ''Achmed stopped the bus? '''Voice #2:' *off-screen in a harsh, drill sergeant-esque tone* Sniper team, stand down! Army Commander: What? Who is that? Voice #2: I said stand down! That is a direct order! This is General Charles McCarthy of the United States Joint Command, and I order you to stand down now! The troops follow the voice's command and lower their weapons. It's soon revealed that the voice came from none other than Kevin, using his ventriloquism skills. Cassidy: It's a miracle. Kevin: *normal voice* Kind of. *does his "General McCarthy" voice again* Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch! ' ''Both the army and FBI agents obey "General McCarthy's" orders and throw their guns into the nearby ditch, with Wayne and Achmed looking on in awe. '''Kevin: And let Mr. Wilson speak! Wayne: Thank you, General McCarthy! Bob: So when all is said and done, it's ventriloquism that saves the day? Again, I have to ask, why isn't this movie about Jeff Dunham?! *voiceover* Chet tries to blow up Achmed since the soldiers aren't gonna do it, but naturally, he survives with barely a scratch. Army Commander: How can you still be alive? Ginny: I think I know; because the American dream burns ''within him! '''Achmed:' Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel. Ginny: He stays alive because he believes in the America we all believe in! A place where you can make a fresh start, no matter where you came from, where you can arrive in this country without a dollar in your pocket, change your name, and make a new life! Bob: And if Achmed learned about the American spirit before he was killed, this might have actually meant something. *voiceover* Then, suddenly, the president of the car company that Mr. Wilson works for comes by and tells Achmed that he wants to mass-produce the Achmedmobile. Car Company President: Yes, you've done the seemingly impossible. You've created an American-made automobile in America that Americans actually want to buy. Hassan: It is a badass ride. Bob: '''You know, Jeff Dunham ''did ''modify a 1992 Batmobile so it would be completely street-legal. I'm pretty sure that if that was made in America, Americans would buy it. *voiceover* So the Wilsons are free to go and make a mint off of the Achmedmobile, Achmed is a free citizen and ''doesn't ''have to pay his debt to society, for some reason, Peanut shows up for the most pathetic cameo appearance yet, and they all live happily ever after. '''Bob: So, that was "Achmed Saves America", and man, was it a let-down. *voiceover* I just don't know where to start with this movie. A bloodthirsty terrorist comes to America and learns that it's not as bad as he was taught to believe, and it's made by and starring one of my favorite comics? I should love this movie, but they did it completely wrong! I don't know how involved Dunham was during the writing process, but he really needed to have a stronger hand in this. Most of the jokes aren't funny, the animation looks slapped together, they got the second and third acts all switched around, and they completely botched the premise. If the story is about Achmed visiting America, it should've also shown us how he and Jeff got together in the first place. He could show Achmed around his hometown, and that's where we meet the rest of Jeff's entourage. Bubba J is his neighbor who doesn't trust Achmed, Sweet Daddy D is his manager, Walter is his mentor, who maybe taught him ventriloquism in the first place, Melvin is some crazy person in the city who helps Achmed save the day at the end, Jose Jalapeño is just some advertising prop or something that Jeff turns into a puppet and comes to life somehow, I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here, and Peanut is a stowaway from a cruise Jeff went on who won't leave him alone. Put all these characters together, and that's how you teach Achmed to love America. Bob: If you're watching this review, Mr. Dunham, and you like this little story treatment of mine and want to do something with it, get in contact with me. Let's try to make this happen, because seriously, your characters deserve better than this. See you next time. After signing off his review, "America, Fuck Yeah" from "Team America: World Police" plays over the end credits. Category:Transcripts